being free, being alone
written on 2024-05-20i was driving back home tonight. i had a pretty overwhelming day. one thing that was on my mind most prominently was a thought i used to have pretty regularly last year which was "i'll only be free when i'm truly alone." i don't necessarily agree with this but it was something that brought me unusual comfort when i was going through hard times, specifically difficult conflict with others. i think i should keep reminding myself that connecting with people, vulnerability and intimacy are all things that are practiced, trained like a muscle. lately something that's been on my mind is "training to failure" -- my understanding is that you exceed your mental limits when doing specific movements/exercises in order to achieve muscle growth more quickly. this is not a deep thought imo but i do restrain myself often. i'm not training to failure in matters of the heart, etc etc. i feel accountable for things that are often beyond me and i get overwhelmed by them in what are usually simple interactions. making my desires known is difficult and understanding the desires of others is even more so. i wish i had dialogue options (lol). what if you were to see me fail, really? push past my mental blocks and give it my all, clumsy in form and still trying? did the last year of resentment and isolation really take so much out of me that i can't access that intensity anymore?
i'm having a hard time reckoning with who i want to be and who i am. it's possible that i'm maybe a bit past the deep shame and hatred i felt a year ago but there's still dissonance, and i think i go through a lot of my daily life experiencing small parts of that dissonance rising to the surface. small friction, like a sweater pilling over time.