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written on 2024-10-01above all, i'm lucky and grateful my immediate symptoms haven't been too bad and that (afaik) none of the people i'm regularly in close proximity with have gotten sick from me. that being said, getting sick and subsequently doing nothing/very little for the past week or so has made me marinate for long periods of time in thoughts/feelings that i've ignored or suppressed extensively for the past few years.
i think covid has brought out the most avoidant parts of me and i feel ashamed. that's what it comes down to. i feel the need to confess. what am i supposed to do, pay for therapy? i wrote a bit about it and thought about it even more and it all comes down to this. i think, a long time ago, i used to be a person of conviction, someone with backbone. i fought a lot, bitterly, even pointlessly, and now i do nothing. i just sit alone and feel cr*zy and resign myself because what's the point if everyone's moved on? if protection and prevention continue to become more costly and less accessible? if someone i live with will probably get me sick again?